Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Tuesday Sketches

Just some sketches. The last one is doodling for the sake of doodling. I didn't try to make anything in particular. I was just listening to an audio book and paying more attention to that than I was to the doodles.

I started this sketchbook in June of 2003. One of the first things I do in a sketchbook is write the date on the backside of the cover. I have many other sketchbooks. I have themes and lessons and progressive sketchbooks. The covers are clean and neat. They are not messy or smudged. There isn't nearly as much in those as there are in this one.

This particular sketchbook is chaotic. When I open it, I just come to a page and start drawing. It is not linear. Some sketches are upside down. Some sketches are things I have put on top of other sketches. Some pages are full. Some pages have a line of intention with no follow up. There is no way of knowing (I know, but no one else knows) if what they are seeing is years old or if it is very recent. Despite or because of the chaos, this is the most comfortable sketchbook I have. This is my freedom spot. This is not "art" it is just a place I come to make marks.

I notice that if someone picks this up, I tend to feel very defensive. I try to get it out of the hands of others as fast as I can. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I visualize the art I think should be in a sketchbook I want others to see and this is not it. I feel like I have been caught not doing my best. That is really kind of silly of me. It is, after all, only a sketchbook.

I really need to stop worrying so much about judgment from others. A critique is one thing. That is meant to help and improve upon what is already there. Judgment and sketchbooks are just not meant to be put in the same sentence. Ooops.. I just did that didn't I? I am really considering turning some of my other sketchbooks upside down and sideways and just making random marks on any page so they will become as comfortable as this one.

In reality, there are so many sketches of my husband and kids in here it is hard not to notice how incredibly important they are to me. I spend hours looking at them and trying to memorize and document the angle of their chin, the size of their eyes, the very different slouches and mannerisms. I paint still life after still life and show everyone the good, the bad and the ugly. I am not sure why or how I made the distinction that it is okay to show those and not this. That too, is kind of silly.

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