Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Otiose

I have become otiose.

In the guise of being productive, I allowed myself to avoid the persistent nagging of my ego by doing none of the things it was complaining about.
If I cannot win this game, I will not play.

I learned about things that seem important..
To Someone.

I tried to find some way to impress someone..
Somewhere.

I avoided myself to avoid my shortcomings so I could avoid the petulant voice inside my mind.
Somehow.

I otiosely scanned the internet for important information about nothing.
I otiosely did half the dishes.
I did two loads of laundry that no one will wore and left the clothes they really want cleaned in the basket.
I called the tasks I did accomplish difficult so that I could fool the world into believing that I am living up to my inner potential.

Until I discovered how very lost I am.

I am the time that was lost to mindless research.
I am the half of the dishes that did not get done.
I am the laundry that was left in the basket.

I did not spend this time Learning to Listen Deeply, or develop a sense of The Self. I simply let go of hope and motivation to avoid disappointment.

It didn't work.

It is probably a good thing I figured that out. Maybe now I can be present in this moment.


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1 comment:

Nardeeisms said...

Anna, this was a wonderful post. I often think of words with the "ose" suffix as being related to sugar and/or sweetness. Yet, the definition of this word is not lost to me, as some things do happen in their own "sweet" time. I too, like you, am learning to be present in this very moment. Today I am "here". Thanks for sharing - Nards